…when I left off on my last blog, My Egg Retrieval Part 1, I had been taking stims for weeks and making eggs like crazy! If you haven’t read part one, stop what you are doing, and jump over to that post real quick!
The day came, the day where I was given the green light to take the “trigger.” I was given a specific time, 12:30. Ron was snoring away, and I was counting down the seconds with the needle drawn up in my hand. The last shot…this was it…I did it. in 24 hours these eggs would be out of me and I would be on my way to having my baby. I remember thinking that this process so far, wasn’t so bad…but of course, I still have the surgical part, that I have NO idea what it will be like. I spent the whole next day not being able to think about anything other than the surgery I had scheduled for the next day early am.
We had to arrive at the hospital hours before the procedure so they could get everything completed before hand. I wasn’t allowed to eat after midnight the night before, nothing to drink. No makeup, no perfume, not lotion. My biggest fear was the anesthesia. I had a colonoscopy one time, and the anesthesia twilight didn’t work…I ended up with a bottomed out blood pressure, and the doctor telling me to suck it up as I watched my colon on the TV…It was traumatizing. I was assured, that everything would be ok. They make you undress completely and sit on a stretcher with just a blanket and the backless hospital gown i’ve put on so many patients in the past. The lovely bonnet, and hospital socks. It was weird to be on the other side of it! To feel like my rear end is out for the whole world to see. I’ve only had an IV maybe 2 times in my life, this one went into my hand. let me tell you…a hand IVs HURTS.
After answering a ton of questions, we met with the embryologist, Ron signed his papers and they talked to me about what happens once the eggs come out. Basically they had just began to “thaw” Ron’s specimens while we were waiting. They hand over my eggs, and begin the process of finding the right sperm to inject into the egg. This process is called an ICSI (Intracytoplasmic sperm injection.) This basically aids fertilization.
The time had come and I was wheeled back to the OR room. The room was bright, and cold. They placed me on the table and had place my legs into a more secure stirrup. There were about 5 women in the room during this time. I felt a little exposed, but we were all women, so I just went with it. This part was very different for me…they strapped my arms down, put on the oxygen. As I laid looking up at the OR lights, listening to them announce the procedure and my name to the room, I began to make some small talk with the very pleasant anesthesiology nurse. BOOM…I was waking up from one of the nicest most relaxing sleep I’ve ever had, feeling NO different than when I went in. My doctor came out and told me, they retrieved 13 eggs. 13!! that was a great number! Wow, I couldn’t believe that I had 13 potential lives!
Recovery was really fine, to be honest, I would go through the actual procedure over and over again. I felt no pain what so ever, it didn’t even feel like anyone touched me down there. Which is pretty amazing considering that the way they retrieve the eggs is by sticking a huge needle into the wall of my Vagina into my ovary and aspirating the follicles to catch all the eggs. I was amazed at how good I felt. I was loopy of course, but I felt amazing. It was over.
I took it easy that whole day. I was most excited to get Mcdonalds, because “scientifically,” it helps after IVF. I’m not kidding! Many of the groups suggest this as a tradition due to the sodium content. The high sodium levels help to decrease the swelling and potential for OHSS, or Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. This is a side effect which can cause fluid collection among other very serious complications. So I enjoyed my incredibly unhealthy, but tasty food, and slept off the anesthesia.
I got the call the very next day. Out of the 13 eggs, only 10 were mature, and out of the 10, only 6 fertilized. This worried me a little bit. The numbers went down more than I thought, and I was worried about how many would make it. Now…the wait. 5 days to be exact. 5 days to find out, how many would make it to the “blastocyst” phase. Not the nicest word, but essentially it means, they make it to an complete embryo, an embryo that is ready to be tested if I want, and ready for transfer!! I daydreamed about having 3 of those 6 at the least, or even if I was lucky 5 out of the 6. What would I do with all of those potential lives! It had me thinking so many different ways. would I sell them? would I transfer any more?
The 5 day wait was so tough. I remember my husband and I butting heads a bit. I was still coming down from the hormones and of course we have a teen and a preteen at home causing chaos (my step children.) I think my husband thought it was no big deal and that it would just work out…until it didn’t.
I got the phone call late the 5th day…None of my embryos made it. Not. one… The air was sucked out of the room…the house…the world
I can’t describe the feeling of hopelessness and fear I felt when I heard those words. “I’m sorry, but none of your embryos made it to freeze.” It didn’t work…how could it not work? there isn’t anything wrong with me? I crumbled into a puddle, and I knew my husband felt so terrible for me…for us. I felt like I lost 6 babies. Even though they weren’t’ meant to be, they were potential that was lost, time that was lost, money that was lost, HOPE that was lost. The thought of waiting another month, or more and doing this all over again was terrifying. What if it didn’t work again? All of a sudden, my biological clock was ticking so loud it was deafening. I feel like that moment changed me, and I’m not sure for the better. It caused a lot of trauma that I work on to this day. But I still rise, and I keep going. It’s ok to not be ok, but I truly feel in my heart, that God will give me my miracle on his time. I gave myself the time I needed to grieve the loss…and then I clicked into acceptance, and was ready to go again.
I myself have not experienced fertility issues, but I know many people who have. This article was so heartbreaking that not one made it to a blastocyst. Your time will come when the time is right. However going into that OR naked with just a gown on open in the back and the hospital socks is so weird, then being strapped down. I was not prepared for the bright, stale room and got completely freaked out and started to get anxiety about my procedure. Not to mention you are by yourself with no support. Good luck and I hope one day that little blastocyst becomes your little babe that you get to love on forever!
Thank you so much for reading it Melissa! and Thank you for sending me good vibes! Its definitely a different experience!